Become an Honourary Canadian
That's right, folks. Due to the crazy long weekend I've had, a deep and/or meaningful post is going to wait until later in the week. But don't worry; I've got something even better for you, something that will fulfill the hopes and dreams of our American friends, something that will change them forever. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
10 Steps to Becoming an Honourary Canadian
(These steps can be carried out in any order. Please try to have a registered Canadian present at all times. Possible side effects may include: nausea, shakiness, sore throat, the heebies, the jeebies, drunkenness, a strange desire to end every sentance [written or spoken] with "eh?", pregnancy, blunt force trauma, drowning[see # 8], postmodernism, forgetfulness, diaper rash, dandruff, pink eye, beaver rash, blindness, plaid, spontaneous combustion, hair where there was no hair before, less hair where there used to be hair, forgetfulness, angst, an invasion of angry vikings, shock, horror, an inexplicable attraction to The Tragically Hip, athlete's foot, vampirism and post-nasal drip.)
1. Learn Canadian spelling, the metric system, and to pronounce it "aboot".
2. Learn to calculate the prices you see on cable commercials into Canadian dollers.
3. Swat a mosquito in your car on the highway with a full Tim Horton's travelmug.
4. Say "touque" instead of "stocking cap."
5. Find a place to go during the summer that you can refer to as "the lake." It doesn't matter if it's a cabin, a campsite or even Kenora, you just have to go there and never refer to it by its real name. It is "the lake," and it always will be.
6. Be able to describe the differences between the CFL and the NFL.
7. Jump in a snowbank stark naked in minus 30 (celcius) weather.
8. Have sex in a canoe.
9. Refuse to acknowledge the existance of American "beer."
10. Become teary-eyed during Molsen Canadian commercials.
Following of these short steps ensures, if nothing else, the lasting amusement of the Canadians that you are trying to impress.
10 Steps to Becoming an Honourary Canadian
(These steps can be carried out in any order. Please try to have a registered Canadian present at all times. Possible side effects may include: nausea, shakiness, sore throat, the heebies, the jeebies, drunkenness, a strange desire to end every sentance [written or spoken] with "eh?", pregnancy, blunt force trauma, drowning[see # 8], postmodernism, forgetfulness, diaper rash, dandruff, pink eye, beaver rash, blindness, plaid, spontaneous combustion, hair where there was no hair before, less hair where there used to be hair, forgetfulness, angst, an invasion of angry vikings, shock, horror, an inexplicable attraction to The Tragically Hip, athlete's foot, vampirism and post-nasal drip.)
1. Learn Canadian spelling, the metric system, and to pronounce it "aboot".
2. Learn to calculate the prices you see on cable commercials into Canadian dollers.
3. Swat a mosquito in your car on the highway with a full Tim Horton's travelmug.
4. Say "touque" instead of "stocking cap."
5. Find a place to go during the summer that you can refer to as "the lake." It doesn't matter if it's a cabin, a campsite or even Kenora, you just have to go there and never refer to it by its real name. It is "the lake," and it always will be.
6. Be able to describe the differences between the CFL and the NFL.
7. Jump in a snowbank stark naked in minus 30 (celcius) weather.
8. Have sex in a canoe.
9. Refuse to acknowledge the existance of American "beer."
10. Become teary-eyed during Molsen Canadian commercials.
Following of these short steps ensures, if nothing else, the lasting amusement of the Canadians that you are trying to impress.
To my fellow Canadians: think I've missed anything? Keep adding to that list, maybe we can hit 50 by the end of the week!
posted by Grey Owl at 11:25 p.m.
27 Comments:
Oh dear. I may be in trouble. I'm not totally sure what a stocking cap is; I can't even describe the NFL; and "aboot" will cause a great deal of confusion in our home- since my daughter knows for sure that-that's what Daddy wears every day of his life...
But, in honor (or is that honour?)of my new Canadian friends, I will link to this post from my blog.
Grey Owl,
Good start, though I think #5 is a Manitoba thing. Hmmm, what could I add...
-Laugh out at the "inspirational" speech made by the Pres in "Independence Day".
-Know that Red Green isn't just a random list of colours
-Take your shoes off before entering a home (and not just because of dirt)
-Realize that getting change for a $20 can add 8 pounds to your wallet/purse
-You brought a hot thermas to school in grade school
Allow me to quote one of our prominent citizens on what it means to be Canadian:
"I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader.
"I don't live in an igloo, eat blubber or own a dogsled.
"I don't know Jimmy, Suzie or Sally from Calgary, although I'm certain they're very nice.
"I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
"I speak English and French, not American.
"And I pronounce it 'about,' not 'a-boot.' (emphasis added)
"I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
"I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation.
"And that the beaver is a proud and noble animal.
"A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch.
"And it's pronounced zed. OK? Not zee. Zed.
"Canada is the second-largest land mass, the first nation of hockey, and the best part of North America.
"My name is Joe, and I am Canadian."
Strangely enough, or perhaps appropriately, this beer commercial sparked more Canadian patriotism than just about anything before.
Dumb Canucks, or what, eh? :)
Cindy - drop everything, run out to your nearest video store and buy "Canadian Bacon" and the first season of "Due South." Watch both of these and let us know if it helps. Thanks for the link!
Jamie - I've got friends in Ont. and Alberta who all talk about going to "the lake." Some of them may mean a lake up in the mountains somewhere, but the sentiment is the same, don't you think?
Rob - Is "aboot" perhaps a prairies thing? Doesn't really matter to me - just reading that commercial transcript is getting me all choked up. *sniffs*
weighing in on the aboot controversy - there is a deep mystery here. I pronounce it 'abowt' - everyone i know pronounces it 'abowt' but when i am in the US they HEAR it as aboot. My daughter said the same thing happened to her in NZ. So what's that about, eh. Re prairie-talk, I used to meet folk in rural communities who read the 'sams' every sunday morning and on monday did their wershing. Re other vital canadianisms, it's a zed, not a zee, it's proh-sess not praw-sess, but the cabbage is in the PRAW-duce section, not the PROH-duce section nor the prah-DUCE section. And finally only Canadians can or would want to sing along with The Good Old Hockey Game and Sudbury Saturday Night [God bless Stompin Tom]
Or the ultimate sign of Canadian patriotism:
Getting all misty when we hear the "Hockey Night In Canada" theme song.
And perhaps even humming along.
what's a zed and not a zee? are you talking about the letter?
how 'bout if i just rent the movies? i'll make a note.
and -40 degrees sounds like it has to be some kind of bad joke. I wasn't kidding about my 70 degree F threshold. Really.
I forgot- my husband wants to know if you wear those funny checkered hats with ear flaps. :-)
Funny hats with checkered ear flaps are worn by:
(A) Our great-grandparents, and
(B) Bob & Doug McKenzie.
-40 is that wonderful temperature whre Celcius and Farenheit actually agree, where your boogers freeze if you inhale deeply (as do your lungs, and trust me, lung agony in January is a lesson you learn REAL fast), and if you spit on the sidewalk, it's ice before it hits.
As the old saying goes, "I don't want to say it's freakin' cold outside, but on the way home, I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant..."
my dictionary says Canuck is pronounced kuh'-nuck and is usually used disparagingly...?
Oldbill - That's true, "The Good Old Hockey Game" is to us what "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" is to americans. And even though I hear it "abowt", my american friends swear I'm saying "aboot." Any ideas why this is?
Rob - Perhaps you should explain who Bob and Doug Mackenzie are, lest some folks think they're members of our "founding fathers". BTW, thanks for the link off of your site. How do you make those little pictures?
Cindy - Canuck may be intended to be disparaging, but most Canadians I know don't mind it. Do you mind being called a "Yank?" The british are "Brits", etc... I think it's more of a laziness thing; people won't use a 4-syllable word where a four letter one will do.
It's pronounced more like can-NUCK, and yes, it was once upon a time a derogatory term for Canadians. It was usually "dumb Canuck" or something more unprintable.
Somewhere along the line, we just started calling each other "Canuck" for fun, and eventually the word ceased to be offensive (in Canada, among Canadians, anyway).
My favourite NHL hockey team, for example, is the Vancouver Canucks.
Grey Owl,
You mean Bob & Doug McKenzie AREN'T among our founding fathers???
Here's the Wikipedia account of Bob & Doug McKenzie -- it's a good summary.
How do I make the little pictures? You're asking a graphic designer how he makes pictures?!?
Photoshop 7.0, my friend, and a little creativity. When I've done graphic work for Brother Maynard's software company, he used to refer to me as "the arts and crafts department", but I've chosen to forgive him. :)
Nobody has EVER called me a YANK.
Grey-dandee
"where a four letter one will do. . " how do you get a 4 letter word out of canuck? it does of course rhyme with a rather famous 4 letter word. . .
re abowt and aboot and how others hear us - this is a deep mystery - i wonder if others have had the same experience. And Cindy, yeah, the last letter. We start the alphabet with our favorite interrogative and end with a sound incomprehensible to americans. Probably symbolic of something.
Cindy - Hmmm... I seem to have struck a nerve... you obviously have strong feelings about this?
Rob - I forgot about your artsy side. My bad. Actually, my brother is a graphics designer, perhaps you'd like to see his site? BTW I sent you an email to your new shaw addy last week - did you get it? Or did I get the address wrong?
Oldbill- the 4-letter reference was to "yank", "brit", etc. - I actually didn't count the letters in Canuck. It's still pretty early in the day for me right now... re:abowt/aboot - maybe it's like with japanese people, how they have trouble distinguishing r's and l's. Or soething like that.
Grey Owl,
I lived in Tennessee for two years when I was a kid, and one thing I learned for sure:
Never call anyone south of the Mason-Dixon line a "Yank". That's what you call people from those danged Northern states, not the South.
Ah. I see. What do you call Americans from the south, then?
Grey dandee,
Just call us y'all. We'll know who you mean.
No nerve struck. I actually found it very funny. If you came down here and called a Southerner "yank", we'd look at you like my husband's co-workers looked at their visiting New York Italian boss who suggested they order some pies one afternoon. HA! They were whispering things like, "we haven't even had lunch" and "do you think he means peach or apple?"
Y'all are keeping me very well entertained.
what fun! Red Green is one of our favorite shows! I've spent time in Niagra Falls and Toronto, and I've sailed across "the lake"...
i love Jamie arpin-ricci's addition about change for a twenty adding 8 pounds...But Shiprock NM is a far far cry from anything Canadian.
Cindy not-Yank: Ah, I see... I just wondered if this was like that time in "Bringing Down the House" when Steven Martin tried to be all cool and say "hey dogs!" to group of large, annoyed black men. Yikes.
Maryellen: Thanks for stopping by! I had no idea Red Green was shown on american TV. Do you every get that show, "Talking to Americans?"
Ahhhhrrrgg!!!
I miss my Canadian Friends! Oh you bring back the memories.
Actually, Dan-D, I'm only a mere stone's throw (If your Paul Bunyan) from your homeland.
I recognize so many of those, that I could be an honourary Canadian, but with a perfect blend of Northwoods, wild rice, tator tot hotdishy goodness that would bring humanity to near perfection.
Okay, now I'm scaring myself.
Nice blog, Dan-D. Sorry I didn't come here sooner, I blog in waves. I started homeschooling the kids so now my concentration is on Lewis and Clark, Geometry, Botany and preschool crafts with whatever stuff I can find around the house, some glue, a paper plate and a little creative thought.
God bless!
Kerri
Greydandy
are u mad - americans watching 'talking to americans' - it's gonna start a war. And right now with Dubya searching for ways to take the heat off his friend Brownie surely a smallish war, fought without the expense of travelling long distance could be an attractive prospect. And, once they realize that we export more oil to them than any other country. . . plus we marry gays. Rick Mercer could become the new Ace of Spades.
Cindy,
Having been born in the US, raised in Canada and travelled gloablly, let me give you the skinny on "Yank". Obviously, anyone in the US would know better to call southerns "Yanks", most of the world (especially those in the Commonwealth - Australia, Britian, etc) refers to all Americans as "Yanks".
It is slowly redefining the word and many international dictionaries are accepting it as slang for all Americans. See here:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?N18A514CB
Just thought you might find it interesting.
Peace,
Jamie
Kerri - good to see you! I wandered by your blog about once a week and noticed that you were AWOL, glad to hear that life is good! Thanks for coming by! And good luck with the homeschooling thing, I know it's a hard road to take but usually worth it, especially if you have a good church for your kids to plug into for social growth. It seems to not work so well for non-christian families from what I've heard, possible because what the lack of a church community can do.
Oldbill - I love it! Rick Mercer on the Ace! We'll find him in a hole somewhere with old copies of the Toronto Sun and some Molsons.
re: Brownie - that guy's screwed. I've been watching John Stewart all week, and they're just crucifying the guy. Bush may be next, in my opinion.
I guess we Southerners do earn our reputation for rejecting change. The accepted meaning of "Yank" around the world may be "any American", but in the South it will always mean- northerners- esp. fast talkin' ones.
Heh, totally understand. As a dual Yank/Canuck citizen myself, I would NEVER attempt to use it in its broader sense.
Peace,
Jamie
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