Well, I Didn't See This Coming

I'm speechless.

You've probably heard of Anne Rice, author of the wildly popular Interview with the Vampire novel and it's sequels. Christian groups have renounced these books as heretical, evil, and the usual labels we tend to stick on literature that displeases us.

I've been a fan of these novels for some time. I read Interview long before I became a Christian. I read the following books much later, after I was a Christian and married. My wife didn't like it when I read those books, I don't think. I tended to get way too involved in the characters (although contrary to popular rumor I never did try to drink someone else's blood).

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that, apparently, Anne Rice is re-embracing her Catholic Christian roots.

This is very interesting for me. Some of my greatest faith questions came after reading Rice's novels. The character of Lestat, for example, I identified with quite strongly. His existential questioning culminates in the second volume of Rice's vampire novels in what Lestat describes as, "The Dark Moment." Here are some excerpts from that portion of the book:

"I realized aloud in the midst of saying it that even when
we die we probably don't find out the answer as to why were we ever alive. Even
the avowed atheist probably thinks than in death he'll get some answer. I mean
God will be there, or there won't be anything at all. 'But
that's just it,' I said, 'we don't make any discovery at that moment! We merely
stop! We pass into nonexistence without ever knowing a thing.' I saw the
universe, a vision of the sun, the planets, the stars, black night going on
forever. And I began to laugh. 'Do you realize that! We'll
never know why the hell any of it happened, not even when it's over!' I shouted
at Nicolas, who was sitting back on the bed, nodding and drinking his wine out
of a flagon. 'We're going to die and not even know. We'll never know, and all
this meaninglessness will just go on and on and on. And we won't any longer be
witnesses to it. We won't have even that little bit of power to give meaning to
it in our minds. We'll just be gone, dead, dead, dead, without ever
knowing!' But I had stopped laughing. I stood still and I
understood perfectly what I was saying! There was no judgment
day, no final explanation, no luminous moment in which all terrible wrongs would
be made right, all horrors redeemed. The witches burnt at the
stake would never be avenged. No one was ever going to tell us
anything! No, I didn't understand it at this moment. I saw it!
And I began to make the single sound: 'Oh!' I said it again 'Oh!' and then I
said it louder and louder and louder, and I dropped the wine bottle on the
floor. I put my hands to my head and I kept saying it, and I could see my mouth
opened in that perfect circle that I had described to my mother and I kept
saying, 'Oh, oh, oh!' I said it like a great hiccuping that I
couldn't stop... I ran to the window, unlatched it and swung out the heavy
little glass, and stared at the stars. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't
stand seeing the pure emptiness, the silence, the absolute absence of any
answer, and I started roaring as Nicolas pulled me back from the window-sill and
pulled shut the glass.... I stared at everything, seeing behind every
configuration of colour and light and shadow the same thing; death. Only it
wasn't just death as I'd thought of it before, it was death the way I saw it
now. Real death, total death, inevitable, irreversible, and resolving
nothing.... And I knew it wasn't going to pass, and nothing for the moment could
make me forget, but what I felt was inexpressible gratitude for the music, that
in this horror there could be something as beautiful as
that. You couldn't understand anything; and you couldn't change
anything.... nothing natural seemed beautiful to me now! The very sight of a
great tree standing alone in a field could make me tremble and cry out. Fill the
orchard with music. And let me tell you a little secret. It
never did pass, really."

pages 65-70 The Vampire Lestat

Second Volume of The Vampire Chronicles

By Anne Rice

I don't mind telling you that moments like this in Rice's novels filled me with the same kind of terror that her characters felt. Even if it was only for a moment, even if it was only while I was reading the book I felt the same kind of despair as a set of imaginary characters. Sometimes these feelings would last until I could sit down with a good friend and talk them out.

You see, I've struggled with depression my whole life. The concept of being lost in despair is very real to me. Even after I became a Christian there were moments when my faith seems so small and the darkness seemed so big. I remember describing those moments to a friend as, "Walking in a snow-covered field, listening to the wind howling in the great emptiness of the overcast sky above." You prairies-folk know what I mean. It is a wholly terrifying feeling. But it never lasts, and when I come out of it the sun feels warm on my face and I put Rice's novel or whatever it was that triggered these feelings on the shelf. I remember that God is real and he loves me, and then I usually go out for chicken wings or watch a funny movie.

The thing is, feelings of despair are incompatible with the love of God. I'm not saying you'll never feel sad or lonely if you are a Christian; rather, that the message of Christ is one of hope and love. The despair for me only came when I doubted that, when I doubted God existed or loved me. When I was truly looking at the basis for my faith I had to admit that God was a God of love, and he would not abandon his children.

One particular quote comes to mind: "And when the hourglass has run out, the hourglass of temporality,when the noise of secular life has grown silent and its restless or ineffectual activism has come to an end, when everything around you is still, as it is in eternity, then eternity asks you and every individual in these millions and millions about only one thing: whether you have lived in despair or not.-- Soren Kierkegaard,"The Sickness Unto Death"

I find it fascinating that Rice can write what she does and still come to faith in God. I pray that this change would be genuine and life-lasting for her. I'm looking forward to her new book, and I'll review it here when I get my hands on it.

Any other Rice fans out there? Let me know what you think of her books. Is there anything a Christian can learn from them?